i should be dumped. April 21, 2007
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moments ago, a horrible realisation just dawned on me. for quite some time now, mt had all along been saying that my baby should thank her for helping her take care of me.. and that she’s the one i have a crush on, and not someone else. honestly, i always feel very weird whenever she says that, but all i could reply in response to her statement was either “ermm, i don’t think so..” or “you really shouldn’t say that..” with nothing concrete to follow up on as to why she shouldn’t say something like that. i mean in a warped way i can understand where she’s coming from.. it’s like ‘cos the object of my affection is her and not someone else, nothing can possibly happen between us ‘cos she would never snatch me away from len and therefore, in that sense, she’s ‘helping’ len to take care of me.. that i’m in safe hands. honestly, i’ve always felt like her reasoning is ridiculous, and i know len would feel so too.. but why i’m never able to articulate these very thoughts to her is beyond my comprehension. alright, i’ll admit it’s not beyond my comprehension.. but i guess i’m just not confident of driving my point across without offending or hurting her. sigh, yeah.. i’m totally afraid of offending or hurting her.. she can be ultra super overly sensitive, but with good reason i guess.
finally today, when she made this statement once again today, i said, “i really don’t think len would feel this way, she’ll never think the way you think.” and we launched into a tirade of why-yes and why-nots. i said, “do you actually think she’ll say “thank you” to you for being the one her gf has a crush on, ‘cos you’ll never go with me?”.. and she said, “no.. but you see… …”.. and she proceeded to tell me how in the past, with her first ex-gf, her ex actually had a liking for a guy.. but that guy didn’t quite reciprocate.. so mt was actually thinking to herself and feeling thankful that luckily he didn’t like her ex. to which i responded that perhaps it’s her to think that way, but that i certainly would not. and the stupid irony was that.. i told her if i were to know that my baby has a crush or actually has feelings for someone else, regardless of whether the other party reciprocates or not.. i would re-think the whole relationship altogether ‘cos i would question her feelings for me.. and if i’m only to be the spare tyre or substitute.. i would let her go…
and that was when the bulb lighted up.. and suddenly, mt got it! she finally saw the light.. and in her own words, she knew exactly where i was coming from.. absolutely. i couldn’t believe my ears, and for a moment, there was silence. i could be wrong, entirely wrong.. but i sensed she felt sheepish about only seeing it now. if truth be told, i felt a bit triumphant.. that she was finally “enlightened”, but i didn’t harp on it or pursue any further. i let it be.
hours later.. actually moments before this entry.. if mt had been “enlightened” previously, only then did my own “enlightenment” arrive. i was watching a dated tv series where the male and female protagonists were caught in a four-sided love rectangle.. and suddenly it dawned on me that with or without my baby’s knowledge, whether i still loved her or otherwise, whether there was action or inaction on my part, i had betrayed our relationship. my own words to mt in the afternoon rang hauntingly in my head, “… regardless of whether the other party reciprocates or not.. i would question her feelings for me.. and if i’m only to be the spare tyre or substitute.. i would let her go…”.
suddenly, things are clearer now. in the blink of an eye, my excuses and so-called justifications to myself all fell apart. if i’m fucking brave and honest, i guess when my baby comes back next month-end, i would ‘fess up and let her decide the fate of our relationship. but as far as i’m concerned, if i were her.. i should be dumped.
my therapy. April 16, 2007
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what do you do when you feel down? what activities would serve therapeutic for you?
me.. i’ve always loved going to the beach. nay, i’m not exactly the sand-and-sea gal though i certainly wish i am.. but i’ve always loved the sea since young. back in secondary school days, i would often take the seven-minute bus ride down from my school and the seven-minute walk from the bus-stop to east coast park whenever i felt moody or something. straight to a crowd-free breakwater.. and just stoned there for hours.. staring straight ahead at the ocean, squinting at times when the sunlight glared into my eyes. hot, yes.. usually scorching hot in fact.. but i was always oblivious to the heat. boring? kinda.. but still, i loved it. i still do.
in recent years, i found yet another activity that’s therapeutic for me as well.. driving with my favorite music blasting away. it doesn’t matter how fast or slow the car goes.. it’s fine too even if i’m stuck in a jam. as long as i’m at the wheel with the music in the background.. there is a feeling of calm.. and a sense of being in control. of course, it doesn’t feel like that all the time, but oftentimes that’s what it does for me. seeking refuge behind the wheel is somewhat akin to my stoning at the beach and staring out at the sea.. whether i’m wallowing in self-pity or trying to pull myself together. and contrary to what’s shown on tv.. where the male or female protagonist would always speed dangerously when feeling sad or angry, i tend to drive slower when i’m feeling down.. i’ll likely opt for the extreme left lanes on the highways when i’m in low spirits.. and tail leisurely behind some gigantic truck or something. i do love the high of speeding but i guess i’m rational enough to be socially safe and responsible as a driver even when i’m down.
and if i have to be stuck at home without access to neither the car nor the beach, then i hit my pillows.. and sleep my troubles away. of course, the troubles don’t simply disappear after a nap or something, but it certainly helps improve my frame of mind. i usually feel more refreshed and more equipped to face my problems after i wake up.
but still, these days.. my first choice would be to hit for my car and turn up the music, as was the case today. somehow, my mood nosedived today after mt and i met for breakfast at the office eatery early morning. i guess maybe it was ‘cos she brought up the subject of my baby. anyway, i was feeling so bad that i could barely stand sitting in the office for a moment more than i had to.. i even contemplated leaving the place altogether and heading for the east coast mac or kallang mac to continue doing my work. the only reason that prompted me to stay on was mt. anyway, i decided to pack my essentials and head for my appointment with my cousin first, then decide what to do later. i eventually ended up behind the wheel. i was tempted to go for a spin, but i didn’t wanna lose the precious parking lot i had so luckily secured and then come back without having a space to park later. so i turned up the music, settled myself in my seat and started reading my book. i baked in my car for a good two hours and had a nice time reading my book. and thru’ it all, the sun shone and the rains came. i only got out of my hole when mt finished with her meeting and dragged me out for lunch. she couldn’t understand how i could bake myself in the car like that.. but i love it. though i still felt somewhat out-of-sorts after that, but i did feel better.. and if anything, i did enjoy my time in the car.
and all these.. serve as my therapy.
fingers over brain.. April 15, 2007
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i aggravated mt’s wrist injury on friday. her right wrist had been bandaged up all week ‘cos she supposedly sprained it, twisted it, hurt it. and i’ve been sounding like a broken recorder all week, bugging her to take her meds regularly and coaxing her to keep the bandage on ‘cos she kept complaining it looked ugly, how everyone was staring at her wrist.. and how the chinese medication on her wrist stank and how everyone could smell it. hahah, gawd.. she can be such a baby!.. and for someone over a decade older than me, i find it pretty hilarious. not in a bad way, but it just goes to show there’s always an inner child in everybody, regardless of age.. 
anyway, she happily removed her bandage on friday and had a wild time flinging her wrist around, “exercising” it supposedly and claiming she’s all recovered. walking alongside her, i have the habit of walking on the right side.. and somehow for reasons unexplained, i accidentally hit her right hand, not once but twice. and there was yet another time when we were monkeying around in the office, and in the spur of the moment, i grabbed her right hand just a trifle too hard… … and so, last night, when she came online for a short while, i was promptly informed that she had gone back to the chinese sinseh again earlier in the day with her babe ‘cos i hurt her too much. ouch, that hurt.. i felt so bad. 
i saw a rainbow hanging prettily across the skies yesterday afternoon while cruising along the east coast parkway. it was beautiful.. and looking at it, i felt so happy.. like a little kid. not a moment too soon though, the rains came pouring down after i passed the rochor exit. and then barely before i reached the tanjong katong exit, the skies cleared, the rains stopped and it was bright and sunny again. hahah, it was so crazy, the change was so dramatic, within the span of a minute.. and i couldn’t help having the vision of just one dark heavy cloud specifically hanging over the fort road stretch.. maybe for like 600-700 metres(?). aah.. the crazy cranky skies that watched over our tiny island.
i’ve been going thru’ my blog and thinking i’m not writing enough. somehow, my fingers are not coordinating well enough with my brain. there seems to be so much going on in my head but my fingers are not typing fast enough to translate them into words, or rather they’re not typing at all! on friday night, as i lazed around.. an entry on the progress of my no-more-fights relationship with my baby was forming in my head. i remembered i also wanted to write about mt, our interactions and my feelings in the past week. i also wanted to pen an entry about my love-hate relationship with weekends these days. and yesterday, i vividly wanted to announce to the whole word via blog that i’ve started reading fictional trash again.. and how good and alive i felt. in fact, more than that, i actually felt very high and rejuvenated!! and earlier, as i was in the toilet peeing away, sentences were forming already in my head and i was mentally blogging a sad entry about how my favorite tennis player venus williams had been ousted by jelena jankovic just hours ago in the charleston family circle cup semifinal.
of course none of those entries actually materialised in the form that most matter, and the end result is this very entry that kinda summarised all my thoughts. and the funny thing is, i never planned on writing about mt’s injured wrist in the first place!
just ranting.. April 12, 2007
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just hung up the phone with mt. she’s been feeling down today.. actually, i think she was already feeling weird since last night when we were chatting online. these days, she logs on at night to work often enough.. we actually managed to chat online often. anyway, she was all jovial and very humorous in fact at the office today, coming by my office twice and having us all curling up in stitches with her ridiculous sense of humor. but beneath that joker facade, i just sensed something wasn’t quite right. maybe it was ‘cos she was acting weird already last night.. plus maybe it was also due to the fact that when we chatted on the phone after she got back to her office, i heard it in her voice.. or maybe it was ‘cos i’ve become pretty attuned to her after all this time..
it infuriates me to no end when i learnt that her babe still went ahead to arrange a mahjong session tonight despite knowing that she was kinda out-of-sorts.. leaving her all alone at home. sigh, the cheek of her! really makes me wonder what kind of partner she is. but then again, it takes two hands to clap.. and if mt is putting up with it, who am i to fume away?
oh well, i can only say and think so much. their affairs are none of mine, and i should just stay out of them. anyway, i’m just ranting away..
back to my prime point of faith.. April 4, 2007
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life is a mess these days. did i mention my baby and i have been fighting almost every day for the past three weeks? it’s gotten to the point that i know we’re both very very tired. arguments, misunderstandings occurred over the slightest issues, that now thinking back, i just find us ridiculous. and yesterday, while bemoaning my fate.. or rather trying to explain to mt about our latest fight, i almost broke out in tears, ‘cos apparently, somehow i have the utmost difficulty in trying to get mt to see the picture. and guess what, talking to my baby again this morning, we fought again. one moment, she was acting coy and i was playing along, the next moment, somehow perhaps the joke got carried too far.. and wham, there we go again!
anyway, i’ve come to the realisation that i’m not going to bemoan my fate, complain or get angry with her, over her or the whole thing anymore. i’m gonna go back to my prime of faith, and start chanting. if i cannot communicate with her, it’s my fault for not being able to reach out to her the right way. i will chant to communicate with her buddhahood instead. whatever is happening now is a good thing for me, a good opportunity to polish my character, do my human revolution, and emerge a stronger and better person. if i want the situation to improve, everything has to start with me.
surprisingly, i’m feeling much better now. although i have no idea how my baby and i will carry on from here, but i am determined not to get into a fight with her from now on. a fight or argument or whatever you call it can only happen if there are two willing parties.. one simply cannot fight on her own, so this will be a test of my own patience.
i will chant hard and prove the validity of my faith thru’ my actions. on a final note, in case you’re wondering the faith of my practice, i am practising nichiren buddhism and i chant nam-myoho-renge-kyo.
mt and i. March 30, 2007
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she tells me i am important to her; i feel the same way about her.
she tells me i mean a lot to her; vice versa.
she tells me she enjoys my company; i bask in her presence all the time.
she calls me everyday (except weekends); i do the same too. together, we clock hours chatting away while going about our daily work chores.
she tells me she feels extremely comfortable talking to me; i am elated she feels so.
she tells me she doesn’t understand why she is telling me stuff about herself that she hardly shares with anyone; i tell her i feel honored and privileged.
she tells me she misses talking to me when we don’t talk during weekends; i have yet to tell her she pervades my inner senses every single day.
she tells me she wants us to be like this for as long as she is alive; she has my promise.
she asks me to describe our friendship – “intense”, i say. she agrees.
she tells me she likes me; me thinks i love her.
gawd, i am so screwed.
a weird coincidence. March 24, 2007
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i just have to share this.. i just found out that my supposed love rival from secondary school is also a lesbian. way back in secondary school, my first boyfriend was this really cute-looking dude from the school basketball team. as one of the basketball team guys, he was pretty high-profile in school and highly popular with gals. my love rival mz was a transfer student and had the hots for my then-boyfriend wj right from the beginning. she was bold and outspoken and confessed her feelings to wj.. only for wj to turn her down and hear him profess his love for me. that was the way he turned down gals.. by putting me in front of the firing squad.. and so it was no surprise i found myself with quite a few gal enemies, many of whom i didn’t even know. being glared at while walking around in school soon became a norm for me, no thanks to wj.
‘cos of wj, mz and i never did become friends even though we attended the same uni and saw plenty of each other after secondary school. but now that we’re batting for the same team.. maybe.. just maybe…
turning 30.. March 24, 2007
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i turned 30 last weekend. it wasn’t an elaborate affair.. i spent the actual day itself with my family and we did the usual cake-cutting process and the red eggs. but there were subtle differences this year that made this yearly occasion a little more special than usual.
for one, one of my lesbian friends ordered a humongous birthday cake from coffee bean and had it delivered straight to my home. when she mentioned it to me over the phone about a month ago, i thought she was merely kidding. honestly, we weren’t exactly close.. hmmm, we used to be kinda close for a while couple of years back, but then we drifted apart over the years. we met up again earlier this year to discuss business.. and maintained contact since then. i thought the birthday cake gift was a really sweet gesture from her, and i was pretty touched.. though it irritated the hell out of my baby.. hahah. my baby kinda felt that the cake should be her responsibility, and she wasn’t too happy someone else took that away from her.. i was pretty tickled by her reaction actually.. heheh, inwardly i thought it was cute.. ;p
my baby couldn’t be with me physically to spend the day and she felt really bad about it, but flowers came, along with a box of lindt swiss thins milk chocolate and a really nice love pillow that i absolutely dig. i’ve been hugging it to bed every nite since. but to quote the words of my baby, “the real gift hasn’t arrived yet.” hahah, oh well.. we shall see.
as for mt, i managed to repair our friendship in time for my birthday.. and amazingly, the fallout turned out to be kinda a blessing in disguise, though the reparation process was definitely by no means easy. ‘cos of the fallout, we got to know each other even better.. and numerous dialogues both via the msn and the phone have somehow bonded us closer together than ever before. we hung out together the nite before my birthday.. i watched her play pool with another friend, after that we hit two other pubs before ending the nite at ministry of sound. we had a wild time.
my two sweet darling nieces drew me a really cute birthday card plastered with stickers and all for my birthday and smothered me with hugs and kisses. i love the card.. and of course, i love them.
plus, i received more birthday smses from friends and acquaintances than i ever did in past years, which was definitely a pleasant surprise. this, i suspect, has got to do with the birthday reminder email alerts that friendster sends out.
one thing upsets me till today though. lc, ht and myself had long arranged to meet up one day after my birthday for steamboat.. and ‘cos we were all turning 30 this year, we decided to get one another a really nice birthday gift. the last time we exchanged birthday gifts were when we turned 21. however, just hours before we were due to meet, ht dropped us a text message to say she couldn’t make it ‘cos a church meeting was pushed from the morning to the late afternoon. and just like that, our little birthday gathering was cancelled. to say i was disappointed was an understatement. i wasn’t feeling only disappointed, i was downright offended and absolutely fuming.. so too was lc. to think our seventeen years of friendship cannot even be compared to a church meeting that had no right to be postponed at the last minute. ht called only close to midnight that day, but i was feeling too pissed to pick up her call. and she didn’t try again till two days later. we have arranged to meet again tomorrow evening, but i carry no high hopes.. am still feeling very disappointed with ht.
es said that for us chinese, our lunar birthday will coincide on the same day as our birthday on the western calendar for our 30th birthday. indeed, it turned out that way for me.. i thought that was pretty amazing.
one week after turning 30, i must say i’m feeling very comfortable. i have no qualms about leaving my twenties and embracing the big 3. life is great, i must say, it feels that way..
